The Past is just that...

Those close to me know my past. I have held on to the hurt for years and now that history has a chance to repeat itself, I have finally understood that I NEED to let go and let God. So I will speak on this one last time.

A month before I met my amazing husband, in February 2008, I had a miscarriage. I was in a long term relationship with the wrong man and as fate would have it, I became pregnant. We were at the end of time together and it was not planned in the least bit, but that's what happened. Without going in to the little particulars, I pretty much dealt with the surprise of being pregnant alone. I was 20 years old, back to living with my mom and just all around confused. I remember the day I lost my pregnancy like it was yesterday. I would not wish it upon anyone. I was 12 weeks pregnant and almost out in the clear and just like that, it was gone.

Now it may be a bit morbid, but I do honestly say that God had a plan for me and that miscarriage was what was need at that time. He knew that the jerk I was with was not who I was meant to be connected to for ever. And I feel that He knew that I deserved more, even though I didn't. The reason I bring this all up now, is because I am once again in my twelfth week of pregnancy and I cannot kick this fear from my mind. I know my situation is totally different now, but it is a real fear. For some women, staying pregnant is really difficult. I've seen women on the boards talk about having 3+ miscarriages. I could not imagine. 

In this moment, I wash my hands of the past and try my best to enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible.